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[29 Dec 2005|03:29pm] |
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mood |
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 oh, the relief. |
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i passed my driving test on tuesday, so i am finally an officially licensed driver.
what a glorious moment it was, 6 years in the making.
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[17 Oct 2005|11:07am] |
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mood |
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 anxious, as per usual. |
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music |
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"monkey wrench" -- foo fighters |
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1) i hate mondays. especially monday mornings.
2) i had a dream last night that i was in this big battle with bows and arrows (think lord of the rings), and within a second of the start of the battle i got shot in the back of the head and in the left eye and i just kinda sat undercover and watched the battle and waited to die. the night before, i had a dream that i was in a group in a bus being attacked by some people (think dawn of the dead) and, again, i found myself facing the fact that i was going to die. i have concluded that a) i need to watch less violent movies and b) i can't even escape the stresses of the day while i am sleeping.
3) i have a midterm tomorrow. i can't wait for it to be over.
4) tonight is bob saget woo WOO!
5) i was lucky and had a pretty good weekend-- friday night was the huge dynamite 8 show at thee parkside. (although waiting forever for bart and falling asleep numerous times unwillingly in the process was less than ideal), and saturday night was dinner and out with doug, josh, and shayna. zachary's (mmmm) and chatting and a bar that had board games! and it felt especially good enlightening josh on what it's like to be the girlfriend of a musician. i sounded like an old pro, haha. (and it's amazing how much having that in common (and needing to vent sometimes) can bring people together, e.g. with shelley and shayna...but that's a post all in and of itself) and god it felt like (doug and) i haven't gone out with people in a while, and i missed it.
6) maria came back today and had all these stories to tell about her wedding and honeymoon. god i love weddings!
7) my battle with minor anxiety attacks has officially returned, in full force. i don't know what the hell to do.
8) "day to night (like a hint)" by american steel is the most hauntingly beautiful song in the entire world.
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[22 Sep 2005|09:53am] |
a woman is suing abc's "extreme makeover" because she went on the show, her place in the show was cancelled for some problem involving recovery time, and then when she went home, HER SISTER killed herself.
i'm sorry she lost her sister, but someone needs to tell that woman that the world doesn't revolve around her, if she thinks that her loss of a spot on a reality show, and not her sister's BIPOLAR DISORDER, was the cause of the suicide.
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[12 Mar 2005|10:15am] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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music |
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clickity-clack from upstairs |
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does anybody have photoshop or premier that i could get from them? lemme know, foos.
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[14 Dec 2004|12:01pm] |
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[16 May 2004|02:42pm] |
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mood |
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 jubilant |
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music |
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jojo -- "leave (get out)" she's 13 and white holy shit! |
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right now i'm in SUCH a good mood because last night's punk prom was SUPER fun and because i finished my 2nd soc essay in under 2 hours (without even trying to rush) and so it looks like i'll make the early turn-in date and therefore be done with finals completely by wed at 8 *pants pants*
and in other really disturbing news, i found this girl on thefacebook.com that i went to middle school with and haven't talked to since then. (she goes to ucla) and she sends me this message and it's like, "just had to let you know that i work at ucla interlibrary loans borrowing department--nuts!" and that seriously IS the creepies thing ever haha.
anyway, off to study for mcb, still got that to worry about!
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[02 Mar 2004|02:45pm] |
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mood |
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only one major thing left! |
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music |
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fefe dobson -- "everything" |
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oooo, i'm almost done.
the mcb midterm was today. not as easy as the professor hyped it up to be, but not all that bad either, i must say. if it's on a curve, i for sure should be alright.
i ditched out on soc to give myself HOURS more to work on my religious studies paper. i'd really love to finish it today.
i can't wait til friday. i hella wanna party it up. where, i'm not sure. i remember last time i said that, i ended up spending the night alone haha. i'm sure there's something, though. i can't remember if that's mario's birthday thing (i'm not sure if i'm going or not). but fridays = cafe de la paz, and i REALLY want to go. hopefully the girls will be up for it. especially because i'm hoping to FINALLY sit them down and tell them about next year's housing stuff (if not, i'll just have to tell them individually or something, forget it), and hopefully if they've already committed to going out, we can get the whole awkwardness thing out of the way by gettin a few drinks in em haha. we'll see.
there honest to god really is nothing to say.
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[11 Jan 2004|11:53pm] |
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mood |
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 steady. |
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music |
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2 blink songs...this, and "always" |
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tonight, especially after the last conversation that i had with noaa, i have come closer to accepting the fact that i am an inherently sad person.
and, i decided to fight it.
at 11 o'clock. it took me a while.
dawson's creek makes me happy. so i put on an episode.
i watched the beauty contest one, second to last. i watched it and i cried because i remembered how much it had meant to me at 12, when i first saw it. admittedly, i felt a little weird, because i realized that i was now not simply going through "things" later than usual, it was only that it had reared it's ugly head once more. and i cried a little bit more because i realized that i for the most part dislike myself now almost as much as i did when i was in 7th grade.
yes, i realize that i did in fact say that dawson's creek makes me happy. and it does. i think the show meant so much to me because i'm so completely over-analytical and cynical and dorky and awkward, just like the characters. (no, not the actors...they all look 25 and gorgeous.) like, i felt like joey on the inside, kind of endearing, but in the most unpleasant way possible. and, at least in this first season, she made it out okay.
i get a special joy out of analyzing and coming to new realizations, a step or two closer to a sense of closure (of what, i'm not sure). so despite my reaction to the 45 minute trip down memory lane, i ended up not the least bit sulky anymore. i wasn't ecstatically happy or anything, don't get me wrong. steady, maybe. hopeful.
the crying didn't end there, however. i'm afraid that, my friend, will never really end. but, at least, i've given up on giving up on myself.
( this one's dedicated to *you*, whether you know it or not. )
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[11 Jan 2004|09:46pm] |
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mood |
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 lonely |
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music |
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none of your business. |
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where is everyone tonight?
kathy came back, but she's hanging out with kurosh. i think. i'm apprehensive to go in and check. plus, she probably doesn't want to be bugged again, anyway.
no one's online.
it's times like these that make me yearn for homework. yes, homework.
trying really hard to work with what i have, listening: listening to, listening for. it's not helping.
i tried writing music. not a creative night.
i tried writing words. a little more luck. no, who am i kidding? getting defensive is not creativity, or at least not when your heart's not in it.
i watched sliding doors. thought about re-watching dawson's creek, but don't much feel like crying anymore.
conclusion of today: the whole belief prior to today about the importance of living alone for a period of time: complete horseshit.
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[09 Jan 2004|02:58pm] |
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mood |
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 anti-republican-y |
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i just skimmed an article about the governor's proposed cuts for the UC system, apparently in order to lessen the state's deficit. can someone please explain to me how it makes sense to repeatedly cut education, but then approve things such as giving people reductions on car registrations (that was is first order of business, if i remember correctly)?
cheaper car registrations over the future. yeah, THAT makes a whole lot of sense.
*whimpers*
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[08 Jan 2004|08:15pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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take a wild guess. |
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man, i just cleaned out the fridge/freezer and my cupboard. holy shit. i swear i was gagging the whole time. kinda funny, kinda nasty. i filled like 2.5 medium-sized garbage bags. there's pretty much nothing in the fridge (i think i personally only have oj and some condiments haha), and the freezer's hella organized. i was actually surprised how much food i still have (in the cabinet). i should eat dinner, but i'm so nauseated from all the gross stuff that i have no appetite. i wrote down everything i have, too. no more stuff being left hella long (or, at least no more of MY stuff being left hella long). tomorrow i think i'll go to the grocery store and get more things to drink and some more food that i don't have. that'll be fun (*rolls eyes*). i guess i'll clean out wallace's filter, too. i should do it today, while i'm already feelin all dirty and nauseated, but i'm too tired. all that cleaning out took a lot of work.
hmm...i guess that's it for now.
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[08 Jan 2004|06:24pm] |
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mood |
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motivated. |
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music |
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blink's "always" haha on repeat |
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i forgot to mention:
-yesterday i went with doug to see mona lisa smile. it was really cute, i'd say. total "feel good" movie. it was so funny when it was over doug was all like, "it was really good, it's just that movies like that make me feel like a dick for being a guy." hahahahaha :)
-i'm so going to be super organized this semester! some changes i'm making:
1) getting a RSF membership...i'm DEFINITELY going 3 days a week (MWF)...no machines for me, though. i hate them. probably running on the track and maybe some dance/aerobics/etc. classes. that'd be fun!
2) at least 2 days a week i won't let myself eat junk at all the whole day! god that would be so great for me! cuz i know a lot of days i'm going to be tired and i'm just gonna eat like spaghetti-os or a frozen dinner, which isn't too healthy, and i really need to get healthier eating habits. since like last summer, i've lost a buncha weight i seriously can't afford to lose (yes, boo hoo). no but seriously, it's not good, mainly cuz i know it's cuz i eat horribly.
3) also food-related, i'm going to keep strict track of what i buy in relation to what i eat...like, i'm going to keep a list of what i have, and so i make sure i don't forget about stuff, and also that i only buy what i'm going to eat for sure. if i don't waste a lot, i'll feel better about making smarter but maybe less cheap choices in the store.
4) i really am going to get as much work done as possible like ON TIME. like i'm going to work a certain amount of hours w/ reading and stuff every day. (haha, i should have been doing that all along, i know, so sue me.)
5) also, at least once a month, i'm going to check all my account balances, and the cash on me. i'm not too great about that, mostly cuz i've never noticed a significant change to cause me to worry. but i'm more curious than anything to see exactly how much i'm spending a semester (i'm not predicting that it will be a lot-- i'm too cheap haha)
anyway, i think that's all i can think of for now. i'm really gonna try so hard, especially since this'll probably be my easiest semester the whole 4 years, so it's the perfect opportunity to work on my habits.
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[08 Jan 2004|04:51pm] |
YAYAYAY I FOUND IT!!!!
(the blink song, that is)
i downloaded the whole last 2/3 of the album (that i couldn't hear on amazon.com), and it was the last song that finished!
it's called "always"...
fuck you if you don't like it, don't tell me. :)
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[08 Jan 2004|04:35pm] |
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mood |
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i wanna go home! :( |
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music |
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random blink 182 songs |
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blah blah blah blah blah. that's what today is: BLAH!
so i slept on and off from around 8 or 8:30 (when doug left) until i think about 11. i got up and got ready for work and got a list of all the textbooks i needed.
so i worked til about 2:30, then went and sold back last semester's books and bout all but one for this coming semester (i hope to buy in online for cheaper)...actually except for 2, since a class as 2 optional ones, and i bought 1 of em.
then i went and bought more (piercing) cleaning solution (my other one leaked in my bag yesterday, :( ) and ran into ann and her sister and mom. weird, in zebra of all places.
then i went and ate at the bancroft cafe and tried to figure out/write down everything i need to do so start off this semester on an organzied foot. i ran into ellen as i was leaving, and we ended up walking back together.
so now i got to clean my piercing (finally!) which has been hurting kinda, most likely cuz i haven't been as delicate with it as before, and i'm trying to find that damn blink 182 song i heard in the store, and so i have most of their newest album downloaded. honestly, it's really not all that bad. (that is, if you like them to begin with).
i'm not sure what i'm going to be doing for the rest of today. man, coming back to berkeley SEEMED like a good idea at the time...*shakes head*
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[07 Jan 2004|02:26pm] |
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mood |
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better. |
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music |
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the crush-- track 3 (i forgot the name) |
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i feel much better today.
maybe i am making progress.
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[06 Jan 2004|02:08pm] |
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mood |
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 guilty & selfish. |
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i don't even know where to begin.
i woke up this morning at god know's what hour. i immediately launched into my dawson's creek marathon, considering i had only 2.5 episodes left (and one of them was tied for my favorite ever). i cried through the whole damn thing, but tried to hide it just in case my mom walked in. when i was watching some of them last night after i got home, my mom looked straight at me from across the room and said, "what's wrong? you look awful." it was the first time i felt like my mom really knew me, or at least enough to tell in my face that something was wrong. luckily, when i started crying, i was able to just say i felt really sick and was frustrated with that, and it was over. although there were times when i dreamed of having a mother i could confide everything to, i'm grateful that we have the space, because i need it with someone, anyone, close to me.
after that i gave up on the tv relatively early, seeing as how reruns that were new to me before just are old and boring now. i took a shower and then came online and read about how so many people seemed to have a difficult night. i found a sort of horrible comfort in that. i'd rather people be happy, but it's nice to not feel so alone.
however, the comfort ended very quickly. i'm in utter shock right now of how selfish i really am. so selfish that i didn't even realize the degree. i'm selfish because my emotions fluctuate so frequently, and i wallow in them and keep people at a distance, and yet bitch and moan and expect people to understand. i'm selfish because my pathetic, nothing problems are all i think about, and when anything makes me feel the least bit grateful, that feeling always gets beat out by my own self-pity. but most of all, i realized today how selfish i am because i can't for a second stop listening to myself cry and whine to realize that other people have problems too. or, at least, realize beyond a superficial acknowledgment, that shouldn't even count as anything. it isn't even that i know people are struggling with something but don't know how to help them. in fact, i'd be a lot more proud of myself if it were that much. instead, i go a step further-- i can't even see that people are struggling period. i'm so blinded by my own pathetic wallowing that i can't see when someone else needs support, let alone do the supporting. i know i could probably find a way to convince myself that it's not all my fault, that i can't be expected to read minds, that if someone wanted to talk about something, they should have told me. but i can't make myself believe that now because i know that if i was as supportive as i'm sure i've always hoped to be, they wouldn't need to tell me if something was wrong.
i should have taken the fact that no one particularly confides in me as a really big hint.
i deserved all that i felt last night, 10 times over. i deserve to feel bad because, frankly, i don't know how to feel anything else for such an extended period of time. if i'm going to be selfish and ungrateful, i might as well have a reason.
such a long post, all about my problems. old habits die hard.
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[05 Jan 2004|08:59pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed...in myself. |
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music |
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my brother singing some insulting song about me. |
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the first chance i have to prove myself, and i fall short.
tonight inevitably will be spent in front of the television-- cold, bored, and alone.
i read my horoscope today, just by chance. seems like an omen, just like the bonnie raitt song i have stuck in my head for no apparent reason.
til wednesday, i suppose.
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[05 Jan 2004|12:34pm] |
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mood |
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 lazy |
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feelin better. not much else.
( here's a survey! )
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