Katherine The Great

desensitized8 @ 2005-12-29T15:29:00

2005-12-29T23:30:54Z

i passed my driving test on tuesday, so i am finally an officially licensed driver.

what a glorious moment it was, 6 years in the making.

desensitized8 @ 2005-10-17T11:07:00

2005-10-17T18:21:30Z

1) i hate mondays. especially monday mornings.

2) i had a dream last night that i was in this big battle with bows and arrows (think lord of the rings), and within a second of the start of the battle i got shot in the back of the head and in the left eye and i just kinda sat undercover and watched the battle and waited to die. the night before, i had a dream that i was in a group in a bus being attacked by some people (think dawn of the dead) and, again, i found myself facing the fact that i was going to die. i have concluded that a) i need to watch less violent movies and b) i can't even escape the stresses of the day while i am sleeping.

3) i have a midterm tomorrow. i can't wait for it to be over.

4) tonight is bob saget woo WOO!

5) i was lucky and had a pretty good weekend-- friday night was the huge dynamite 8 show at thee parkside. (although waiting forever for bart and falling asleep numerous times unwillingly in the process was less than ideal), and saturday night was dinner and out with doug, josh, and shayna. zachary's (mmmm) and chatting and a bar that had board games! and it felt especially good enlightening josh on what it's like to be the girlfriend of a musician. i sounded like an old pro, haha. (and it's amazing how much having that in common (and needing to vent sometimes) can bring people together, e.g. with shelley and shayna...but that's a post all in and of itself) and god it felt like (doug and) i haven't gone out with people in a while, and i missed it.

6) maria came back today and had all these stories to tell about her wedding and honeymoon. god i love weddings!

7) my battle with minor anxiety attacks has officially returned, in full force. i don't know what the hell to do.

8) "day to night (like a hint)" by american steel is the most hauntingly beautiful song in the entire world.

desensitized8 @ 2005-09-22T09:53:00

2005-09-22T16:56:42Z

a woman is suing abc's "extreme makeover" because she went on the show, her place in the show was cancelled for some problem involving recovery time, and then when she went home, HER SISTER killed herself.

i'm sorry she lost her sister, but someone needs to tell that woman that the world doesn't revolve around her, if she thinks that her loss of a spot on a reality show, and not her sister's BIPOLAR DISORDER, was the cause of the suicide.

desensitized8 @ 2005-03-12T10:15:00

2005-03-12T18:16:32Z

does anybody have photoshop or premier that i could get from them? lemme know, foos.

desensitized8 @ 2004-12-14T12:01:00

2004-12-14T20:01:28Z

P.S. I GOT AN A IN JAPANESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

desensitized8 @ 2004-06-17T09:33:00

2004-06-17T16:34:21Z

desensitized8 @ 2004-06-17T09:33:00

2004-06-17T16:33:52Z

desensitized8 @ 2004-05-16T14:42:00

2004-05-16T21:43:11Z

right now i'm in SUCH a good mood because last night's punk prom was SUPER fun and because i finished my 2nd soc essay in under 2 hours (without even trying to rush) and so it looks like i'll make the early turn-in date and therefore be done with finals completely by wed at 8 *pants pants*

and in other really disturbing news, i found this girl on thefacebook.com that i went to middle school with and haven't talked to since then. (she goes to ucla) and she sends me this message and it's like, "just had to let you know that i work at ucla interlibrary loans borrowing department--nuts!" and that seriously IS the creepies thing ever haha.

anyway, off to study for mcb, still got that to worry about!

desensitized8 @ 2004-03-02T14:45:00

2004-03-02T22:49:59Z

oooo, i'm almost done.

the mcb midterm was today. not as easy as the professor hyped it up to be, but not all that bad either, i must say. if it's on a curve, i for sure should be alright.

i ditched out on soc to give myself HOURS more to work on my religious studies paper. i'd really love to finish it today.

i can't wait til friday. i hella wanna party it up. where, i'm not sure. i remember last time i said that, i ended up spending the night alone haha. i'm sure there's something, though. i can't remember if that's mario's birthday thing (i'm not sure if i'm going or not). but fridays = cafe de la paz, and i REALLY want to go. hopefully the girls will be up for it. especially because i'm hoping to FINALLY sit them down and tell them about next year's housing stuff (if not, i'll just have to tell them individually or something, forget it), and hopefully if they've already committed to going out, we can get the whole awkwardness thing out of the way by gettin a few drinks in em haha. we'll see.

there honest to god really is nothing to say.

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-11T23:53:00

2004-01-12T08:16:54Z

tonight, especially after the last conversation that i had with noaa, i have come closer to accepting the fact that i am an inherently sad person.

and, i decided to fight it.

at 11 o'clock. it took me a while.

dawson's creek makes me happy. so i put on an episode.

i watched the beauty contest one, second to last. i watched it and i cried because i remembered how much it had meant to me at 12, when i first saw it. admittedly, i felt a little weird, because i realized that i was now not simply going through "things" later than usual, it was only that it had reared it's ugly head once more. and i cried a little bit more because i realized that i for the most part dislike myself now almost as much as i did when i was in 7th grade.

yes, i realize that i did in fact say that dawson's creek makes me happy. and it does. i think the show meant so much to me because i'm so completely over-analytical and cynical and dorky and awkward, just like the characters. (no, not the actors...they all look 25 and gorgeous.) like, i felt like joey on the inside, kind of endearing, but in the most unpleasant way possible. and, at least in this first season, she made it out okay.

i get a special joy out of analyzing and coming to new realizations, a step or two closer to a sense of closure (of what, i'm not sure). so despite my reaction to the 45 minute trip down memory lane, i ended up not the least bit sulky anymore. i wasn't ecstatically happy or anything, don't get me wrong. steady, maybe. hopeful.

the crying didn't end there, however. i'm afraid that, my friend, will never really end. but, at least, i've given up on giving up on myself.

I swear that I can go on forever again
please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
give me your lips and with one kiss we begin

Are you afraid of being alone
cause I am, I'm lost without you
are you afraid of leaving tonight
cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
where are you now I can hear footsteps, I'm dreaming
and if you will, keep me from waking, to believe this

Are you afraid of being alone
cause I am, I'm lost without you
are you afraid of leaving tonight
cause I am, I'm lost without you

Are you afraid of being alone
cause I am, I'm lost without you
are you afraid of leaving tonight
cause I am, I'm lost without you
are you afraid of being alone
cause I am, I'm lost without you
are you afraid of leaving tonight
cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you
I'm lost without you

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-11T21:46:00

2004-01-12T05:55:53Z

where is everyone tonight?

kathy came back, but she's hanging out with kurosh. i think. i'm apprehensive to go in and check. plus, she probably doesn't want to be bugged again, anyway.

no one's online.

it's times like these that make me yearn for homework. yes, homework.

trying really hard to work with what i have, listening: listening to, listening for. it's not helping.

i tried writing music. not a creative night.
i tried writing words. a little more luck. no, who am i kidding? getting defensive is not creativity, or at least not when your heart's not in it.

i watched sliding doors. thought about re-watching dawson's creek, but don't much feel like crying anymore.

conclusion of today: the whole belief prior to today about the importance of living alone for a period of time: complete horseshit.

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-09T14:58:00

2004-01-09T23:00:43Z

i just skimmed an article about the governor's proposed cuts for the UC system, apparently in order to lessen the state's deficit. can someone please explain to me how it makes sense to repeatedly cut education, but then approve things such as giving people reductions on car registrations (that was is first order of business, if i remember correctly)?

cheaper car registrations over the future. yeah, THAT makes a whole lot of sense.

*whimpers*

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-08T20:15:00

2004-01-09T04:19:57Z

man, i just cleaned out the fridge/freezer and my cupboard. holy shit. i swear i was gagging the whole time. kinda funny, kinda nasty. i filled like 2.5 medium-sized garbage bags. there's pretty much nothing in the fridge (i think i personally only have oj and some condiments haha), and the freezer's hella organized. i was actually surprised how much food i still have (in the cabinet). i should eat dinner, but i'm so nauseated from all the gross stuff that i have no appetite. i wrote down everything i have, too. no more stuff being left hella long (or, at least no more of MY stuff being left hella long). tomorrow i think i'll go to the grocery store and get more things to drink and some more food that i don't have. that'll be fun (*rolls eyes*). i guess i'll clean out wallace's filter, too. i should do it today, while i'm already feelin all dirty and nauseated, but i'm too tired. all that cleaning out took a lot of work.

hmm...i guess that's it for now.

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-08T18:24:00

2004-01-09T02:36:33Z

i forgot to mention:

-yesterday i went with doug to see mona lisa smile. it was really cute, i'd say. total "feel good" movie. it was so funny when it was over doug was all like, "it was really good, it's just that movies like that make me feel like a dick for being a guy." hahahahaha :)

-i'm so going to be super organized this semester! some changes i'm making:

1) getting a RSF membership...i'm DEFINITELY going 3 days a week (MWF)...no machines for me, though. i hate them. probably running on the track and maybe some dance/aerobics/etc. classes. that'd be fun!

2) at least 2 days a week i won't let myself eat junk at all the whole day! god that would be so great for me! cuz i know a lot of days i'm going to be tired and i'm just gonna eat like spaghetti-os or a frozen dinner, which isn't too healthy, and i really need to get healthier eating habits. since like last summer, i've lost a buncha weight i seriously can't afford to lose (yes, boo hoo). no but seriously, it's not good, mainly cuz i know it's cuz i eat horribly.

3) also food-related, i'm going to keep strict track of what i buy in relation to what i eat...like, i'm going to keep a list of what i have, and so i make sure i don't forget about stuff, and also that i only buy what i'm going to eat for sure. if i don't waste a lot, i'll feel better about making smarter but maybe less cheap choices in the store.

4) i really am going to get as much work done as possible like ON TIME. like i'm going to work a certain amount of hours w/ reading and stuff every day. (haha, i should have been doing that all along, i know, so sue me.)

5) also, at least once a month, i'm going to check all my account balances, and the cash on me. i'm not too great about that, mostly cuz i've never noticed a significant change to cause me to worry. but i'm more curious than anything to see exactly how much i'm spending a semester (i'm not predicting that it will be a lot-- i'm too cheap haha)

anyway, i think that's all i can think of for now. i'm really gonna try so hard, especially since this'll probably be my easiest semester the whole 4 years, so it's the perfect opportunity to work on my habits.

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-08T16:51:00

2004-01-09T00:53:15Z

YAYAYAY I FOUND IT!!!!

(the blink song, that is)

i downloaded the whole last 2/3 of the album (that i couldn't hear on amazon.com), and it was the last song that finished!

it's called "always"...
fuck you if you don't like it, don't tell me. :)

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-08T16:35:00

2004-01-09T00:46:45Z

blah blah blah blah blah. that's what today is: BLAH!

so i slept on and off from around 8 or 8:30 (when doug left) until i think about 11. i got up and got ready for work and got a list of all the textbooks i needed.

so i worked til about 2:30, then went and sold back last semester's books and bout all but one for this coming semester (i hope to buy in online for cheaper)...actually except for 2, since a class as 2 optional ones, and i bought 1 of em.

then i went and bought more (piercing) cleaning solution (my other one leaked in my bag yesterday, :( ) and ran into ann and her sister and mom. weird, in zebra of all places.

then i went and ate at the bancroft cafe and tried to figure out/write down everything i need to do so start off this semester on an organzied foot. i ran into ellen as i was leaving, and we ended up walking back together.

so now i got to clean my piercing (finally!) which has been hurting kinda, most likely cuz i haven't been as delicate with it as before, and i'm trying to find that damn blink 182 song i heard in the store, and so i have most of their newest album downloaded. honestly, it's really not all that bad. (that is, if you like them to begin with).

i'm not sure what i'm going to be doing for the rest of today. man, coming back to berkeley SEEMED like a good idea at the time...*shakes head*

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-07T14:26:00

2004-01-07T22:26:34Z

i feel much better today.

maybe i am making progress.

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-06T14:08:00

2004-01-06T22:32:33Z

i don't even know where to begin.

i woke up this morning at god know's what hour. i immediately launched into my dawson's creek marathon, considering i had only 2.5 episodes left (and one of them was tied for my favorite ever). i cried through the whole damn thing, but tried to hide it just in case my mom walked in. when i was watching some of them last night after i got home, my mom looked straight at me from across the room and said, "what's wrong? you look awful." it was the first time i felt like my mom really knew me, or at least enough to tell in my face that something was wrong. luckily, when i started crying, i was able to just say i felt really sick and was frustrated with that, and it was over. although there were times when i dreamed of having a mother i could confide everything to, i'm grateful that we have the space, because i need it with someone, anyone, close to me.

after that i gave up on the tv relatively early, seeing as how reruns that were new to me before just are old and boring now. i took a shower and then came online and read about how so many people seemed to have a difficult night. i found a sort of horrible comfort in that. i'd rather people be happy, but it's nice to not feel so alone.

however, the comfort ended very quickly. i'm in utter shock right now of how selfish i really am. so selfish that i didn't even realize the degree. i'm selfish because my emotions fluctuate so frequently, and i wallow in them and keep people at a distance, and yet bitch and moan and expect people to understand. i'm selfish because my pathetic, nothing problems are all i think about, and when anything makes me feel the least bit grateful, that feeling always gets beat out by my own self-pity. but most of all, i realized today how selfish i am because i can't for a second stop listening to myself cry and whine to realize that other people have problems too. or, at least, realize beyond a superficial acknowledgment, that shouldn't even count as anything. it isn't even that i know people are struggling with something but don't know how to help them. in fact, i'd be a lot more proud of myself if it were that much. instead, i go a step further-- i can't even see that people are struggling period. i'm so blinded by my own pathetic wallowing that i can't see when someone else needs support, let alone do the supporting. i know i could probably find a way to convince myself that it's not all my fault, that i can't be expected to read minds, that if someone wanted to talk about something, they should have told me. but i can't make myself believe that now because i know that if i was as supportive as i'm sure i've always hoped to be, they wouldn't need to tell me if something was wrong.

i should have taken the fact that no one particularly confides in me as a really big hint.

i deserved all that i felt last night, 10 times over. i deserve to feel bad because, frankly, i don't know how to feel anything else for such an extended period of time. if i'm going to be selfish and ungrateful, i might as well have a reason.

such a long post, all about my problems. old habits die hard.

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-05T20:59:00

2004-01-06T05:02:51Z

the first chance i have to prove myself, and i fall short.

tonight inevitably will be spent in front of the television-- cold, bored, and alone.

i read my horoscope today, just by chance. seems like an omen, just like the bonnie raitt song i have stuck in my head for no apparent reason.

til wednesday, i suppose.

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-05T12:34:00

2004-01-05T21:12:50Z

feelin better. not much else.

>>| who'd you take this from |<

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<:>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

feelin better. not much else.

<lj-cut text="here's a survey!">

>>| who'd you take this from |<<: Shitel
>>| my name is |<<: Kathy
>>| people call me |<<: Kathy
>>| love is |<<: what makes life worth living(, regardless of the type of love)
>>| if i could see one person right now |<<: i'd see doug (and i will in a few hours!)
>>| i daydream about |<<: the future
>>| tall or short |<<: who, me? i'm short
>>| born |<<: 8-26-1984
>>| school |<<: Cal
>>| best band |<<: everyday victory
>>| best actor/actress |<<: john cusack/sandra bullock
>>| male artist |<<: i dunno (i like various art forms but i usually don't know the artists of the diff. pieces)
>>| female artist |<<: i dunno again

||[[ H A V E Y O U E V E R ]]||
[ been in love ]: yes, and still am
[ lied ]: yeah
[ given someone a bath ]: nope
[ smoked ]: no (almost at new year's haha)
[ bungee jumped ]: no (kinda interested, though)
[ broken the law ]: nothing hella serious, only like jaywalking and stuff haha
[ skinny dipped ]: nope
[ cried to get out of trouble ]: maybe when i was a kid
[ fallen for the wrong guy ]: whoa yeah
[ cut your own hair ]: just a lil bit
[ been mean ]: yeah
[ stalked someone ]: um only as a joke with other people
[ been sarcastic ]: uh, duh.
[ talked to someone ]: haha i think i've done that before
[ hugged someone ]: yes, perhaps
[ fought with parents ]: of course
[ laughed until you cried ]: haha yeah
[ been so drunk you blacked out ]: god no
[ skipped school ]: before college, not really...during college, yes, but responsibly!
[ put a body part on fire for amusment ]: uh no
[ kept a secret from everyone? ]: yes
[ had an imaginary friend ]: yeah, when i was little, but she was only in my head, not like a distinct figure
[ wanted to hook up w/ a friend ]: well, "hook up with" sounds so cheap...i've wanted to "date" or something, how bout that.
[ cried during a flick ]: yeah, i love it.

||[[ O P P O S I T E S E X ]]||
>>| turn on-looks |<<: i dunno, it's about how they hold themselves...you can kinda tell by looking at someone what type of person they are, you know? (although, a pretty pair of eyes or a warm smile doesn't hurt ;)
>>| turn on-personality |<<: they just have to be a good person, you know, kind, thoughtful...oh yeah, and they have to have a sense of humor, no doubt.
>>| turn off-looks |<<: um like shorter than me, or hella generic and cheesy looking (like people who dress like frat boys or hella preppy and think they're hott shit when they hella aren't)
>>| coloring |<<: whatever suits the person, i'm not really partial in any way
>>| hair length |<<: short...i hate that long greasy emo shit
>>| best height |<<: a few inches taller than me to like 6'
>>| best weight |<<: not too extreme one way or the other

||[[ W H O ]]||
[ last called ]: doug
[ last emailed ]: apparently chancellor berdahl haha!
[ went to the mall w/ ]: to an actual mall? doug
[ is ur best friend ]: they know who they are
[ is ur special someone ]: :D
[ makes u laugh the most? ]: all my closest friends
[ makes you smile ]: lots of people, but probably doug the most
[ gives u a funny feeling when u see them ]: a "funny feeling"? um...?
[ easier to talk to: boys or girls ? ]: it's easier to talk to girls about more private things, since most guys i know are just hella too laid back to wanna go there...but at the same time sometimes all i want is to just hang out, and i've always done so better with guys (in general)
[ have you known the longest ]: besides like my parents? um...technically elaina! haha weird, huh? but as for who i've been in constant contact with for the longest amount of time...ellen.
[ do you cry with ]: i don't cry "with" anyone...mostly only "at" or "to". in that case, doug, and other people, just not in person

||[[ D U M B A S S Q U E S T I O N S I R E F U S E T O A N S W E R ]]||
[ day/night ]: night
[ summer/winter ]: summer
[ tape/cd ]: cd
[ lust/love ]: love
[ on phone/in person ]: in person
[ gold/silver ]: silver
[ scary/happy movies ]: happy movies

||[[ F A V O R I T E ]]||
[color]: purple
[scent]: i dunno, i don't wear or care about bottled stuff.
[ice cream flavor]: phish food, half baked...it's all good
[holiday]: christmas...i like easter too, though.
[band]: EV, i already said
[flower]: lilies, or daisies, or those cute little white ones i don't know the name of...and of course roses are prtty too...i really like ANY kind of flower.
[cartoon character]: i dunno
[book]: robert cormier's books...i should re-read the few i have!
[tv show]: i dunno...real world still, i guess.
[language]: japanese :)
[Pastime]: spending time with friends, watching movies, etc.
[boys name/girls]: boys: jakob, daniel...girls: josie, hope, lily, anna, sophia

||[[ D O Y O U / / A R E Y O U ]]||
[obsessive]: oh yeah
[want to go to college]: in the process
[like high school]: nah
[want to get married]: yes
[believe in yourself]: most of the time
[have piercings]: yes
[get motion sickness]: no
[have high self esteem]: not really
[get along w/ your parents]: yeah
[like thunderstorms]: when i'm indoors
[sit on the internet all day waiting for someone special to get on AIM?]: haha i've done that before
[wish u were a member of the opposite sex]: eh, i think it'd be interesting
[cried because of someone saying something mean to u]: yes
[been rejected]: not really, but only because i don't put myself out there to get rejected
[rejected someone]: yes :(
[used someone]: not intentionally
[done something u regret]: haha of course
[color ur hair]: no
[have a crush]: no

||[[ R E ]]||
[ could u live without the computer? ]: gah! i dont' even wanna think about it!
[ how many peeps are on ur buddylist? ]: enough
[ how many peeps do you block? ]: i don't think i have anyone blocked
[ drink alchohol? ]: only on special occasions
[ like watching sunrises or sunset ]: yes
[ what hurts the most: physical pain or emotional pain? ]: emotional
[ trust others way too easily? ]: not like i used to</lj-cut>

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-04T21:53:00

2004-01-05T06:17:02Z

so yeah, today has been...awful.

so last night at inzo's i started feeling all sniffly. it felt like regular allergies. all i was worried about was having to run out of the room to sneeze if they were recording. that night, i woke up lots of times, having trouble breathing, sore throat, etc. (deja vu from around finals, how lovely) today doug and i had to wake up really early cuz he was goin to his grandparent's, and i was goin home. i had a lot of trouble making my way out the door, and collapsed in my parents bed for the next 3 hours. after that, i alternated between watchin movies with my mom and passing out on the couch. my tonsils are swollen like crazy, i'm coughing and my nose is stuffy and i have the worst headache in the world. the only upside to all of this is that i don't have to go back to work so quickly. i don't really think it's worth it, though.

i'm sort of getting the hang of cleaning my neck by myself (harder than it seems, trust me.) i didn't soak it today cuz there's no bathtub here, and frankly i feel too shitty to give a damn.

all i want to do is, well, absolutely nothing, but with other people, but at the same time i don't want to hang out with anybody for fear of passing this along. if i can get it twice in one break, so can you!

on a different note, i've been thinking a lot about my new year's resolution(s)...not that i've made any yet. i mean, i really hope to organize my time regarding school, and i want to eat better and all that kind of stuff, but that seems really superficial to me (or really just from the way i'm looking at it). i spent about 3 straight hours yesterday having drummed into my head some (or at least one) of the things that i really want/need to change. here's a list of things i've been thinking about:

-despite how open i am when things are bothering me, i never seem to be able to say anything when it really matters. i need to learn how to do that.
-i need to find a method for not crying so much.
-i need to also find a way to like myself more (physically, mentally, etc.).
-i need to be more aggressive in terms of meeting new people, in hopes of finding people i click with among those that just throw dirty looks my way.
-i need to let go of the past.
-likewise, i need to let go of the future. (i tend to dwell on and obsess over what's going to or what may come, and it's not that great an idea.)

basically, i have to realize in a more conclusive way exactly how it is i want to be, and then find ways to realize it.

man, all this is way too much for my head, with this headache.

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-03T18:10:00

2004-01-04T02:23:12Z

this house is disgusting. the roommates did nothing we all said needed to be done before leaving. there was a cup of sugar (yes, which had been out for months and i had repeatedly asked that it be put away) SWARMING with ants. old shit in the refrigerator that smells HELLA nasty. garbage not taken out. random dirty dishes (a basic sloppiness, especially considering i cleaned the kitchen thoroughly only days before everyone left.) this whole break i've cursed to myself about how i knew it'd be dirty when i got home, and i seriously am so fed up with it. a serious meeting must be had once school starts, but at the same time i know it won't do any good, since none of the ones in the past have.

on a lighter note (teeheehee), doug and i went out today. a bunch of weird attempts at diversions, such as the berkeley marina, the botanical gardens, and telegraph. i had fun, which i suppose is no suprise, since him + any activity = a good day.

although, the only downside...well, 2. my fucked up appetite (or lack their of) and the butt-numbing cold. the first one is sucky for obvious reasons, the 2nd, for a few. i was limited this morning in what i could wear, seeing as how i was avoiding anything with high collars/big hoods (of course, after a nice trip through the cleaning/soaking/shower experience haha), and so i didn't have anything really heavy on. anyway, it was damn cold, even doug was cold, and i had this weird sharp chill on the back of my neck cuz the metal was getting all cold. otherwise, i'm sure it wouldn't have hurt at all today, since it didn't even really hurt when being poked (cleaned) by a "cotton swab".

so anyway, i'm hella loving this other shirt i'm wearing today that i got with the other one at ross. too bad it's hidden under various random layers. hehe.

soon doug and i will be leaving so he can record at inzo's house. and i want some ice cream. i think i'm going home tomorrow (already).

desensitized8 @ 2004-01-02T14:50:00

2004-01-02T23:03:34Z

man, i haven't updated since last year! hah! (sorry, i couldn't resist!)

no but seriously, i need a new year's/noaa's visit update. imma copy everyone else and do a highlight/lowlight list:

+ going shopping with noaa at ross and getting 2 awesome shirts and shoes that i'd been trying to find! sweet!
+ going to chrissy's and learning what the hell all that make up shit IS exactly haha...libby's very talented :)
+ being told i looked nice the whole party (haha new experience)
- the work trying to figure out the driving situation and stuff, and deciding to drink w/ noaa and having to bum (buy, actually) alcohol off of chrissy
+ only needing one drink to get a good level of drunk
- (it was the nastiest drink haha)
+ dancing with elaina and noaa in the ghetto room
- having a ghetto guy dancing with us grab my crotch and then fall on all of us
- all the near fights and stuff (i get hella paranoid when i'm drunk)
+ "breaking the seal"
+ seeing lots of cool people
+ how when doug gets drunk all he does is tell me how much he loves me :)
- getting a drink spilled down my back
+ my first time kissing someone at midnight (who was i gonna kiss, my brother? grandpa? haha ew)
+ getting to crash in a bed with 2 of my most favorite people in the world :)
+ the wonderful breakfast the next morning
- the headache and fucked up sleep

and, most importantly:
+ being able to FINALLY celebrate the new year (NO FLORIDA!)

overall, a very fun time. i love the fact that my friends (that i interact with the most at these things...like noaa and elaina and people) are really enjoyable drunks haha. and we had so much fun dancing!

yeah so the next day was mostly tv and vegging (noaa stayed til today...she left not too long ago).

today we met up with yvonne in berkeley. went to la burrita. and i finally got my nape pierced! it came out hella perfect, just like i wanted it to (or at least that's the impression i got for the shitty mirrors and noaa's and yvonne's reactions). it didn't hurt too bad, but i cried at the end a little cuz it was just such a shock (and it did hurt haha don't get me wrong). now i'm sitting here with my robe on backwards, cuz i'm a bit apprehensive to try to put on a sweatshirt over my head haha. soon i have to run out to longs, so i'll worry about it then. (yeah, in case it wasn't clear, i'm back in berkeley, but i think just for the weekend). maybe i'll get the picture of it from noaa, or, better yet, i can just use it as an excuse for people to come see me. :)

so yeah, i should go now. i hope it's not raining (or at least not too hard!)

desensitized8 @ 2003-12-30T17:48:00

2003-12-31T02:02:06Z

i just finished watching the 1st 2 episodes of dawson's creek, season one. good shit. i really wish i had someone to watch it with, or at least a heap of people to talk about it with like when it was on the first time around, but oh well. some people get really uncomfortable when i cry at movies/tv/music/anything that exists anyway.

i think tomorrow's gonna be super-cool. noaa's coming down (or up, i don't know where anything is in relation to anything else) in the afternoon, and she's gonna cut my hair, and we're gonna have lots of...um...*giggles*. i'm sure the party will be hella fun too. or at least interesting, as such gatherings tend to be.

and to make tomorrow night seem even better, tonight is going to SUCK. i suppose that's just the way things have to be. my family's all gone, and i'm left to fend for myself, both in terms of food and entertainment. there's tons of things i can do, and some i want to do, but i don't feel like i can be un-lazy enough. i guess i'll just go back to my tv haha.

desensitized8 @ 2003-12-28T23:41:00

2003-12-29T08:06:23Z

first night of break that i'm feeling...pathetic.

ever since i got home today i've been acting really weird...even weirder than normal. lots of sudden waves of tears that come and go really fast.

the strange thing is that, for example, when i was watching moulin rouge, i only teared up a few times (compared to the first time i watched it...yikes), but while i was watching tv and doing a puzzle, i suddenly couldn't control myself during like a commercial. something...i don't know what it is.

part of it was dealing with the awareness of how hyper-critical i am, especially of famous people and things that are so distant from myself. i also realize that i am this way about myself-- the connection is not that hard to make. i'm just wondering now which came first-- do i criticize people so harshly cuz of the way i feel about myself, or do i criticize myself so harshly cuz of how i do it to other people? what makes it all so much more confusing is that despite how critical i am, and how many things i can point out that i think are genuinely wrong with like some actress or musician, at the same time i feel envious of them a lot of the time. like i'd rather be them with their faults than me with mine.

i also find myself not really being able to talk to anyone about any of it, because i can't find someone quite as critical as me. everyone's just too freakin easy-going, or at least trying really hard to be. no one wants to talk about something unpleasant. totally understandable, i know. but i want to be easy-going too, you know. i don't think anyone really understands that, and i don't particularly know how to tell em.

i think a major new year's resolution i'm going to have to have is to stop updating publicly in this thing so much. i'm irritated with my posts, and i'm the one writing them.

i hate feeling like a nutcase.